“Separated” is a music video created for Andrzej Pietrewicz’s song of the same name. You can watch it here.

Throughout this most recent Winter, I had been in a lengthy creative rut, unable to make anything worthwhile. That is, if I could even muster up the energy to start creating at all. Life had been extremely challenging, and I was at the outer edges of my emotional capacity. The only thing giving me hope during this time was a loved one, let’s call him D once again. And oh, was there ever hope… hopes and dreams of the future, the life, the freedom… just at our fingertips, only weeks away. And whenever my resolve wavered, he reassured me.

“I’m scared I’m not going to make it.”
“You will. We will. We’re going to make it. I promise I’ll never leave you.” 

Infinite love. Safety. At least I thought it was.

Then, in a flash, it was all gone. I was erased from his life. 

Though I know in reality I didn’t actually hit rock bottom and lose everything, it sure felt like it. I never thought D would listen so intently to my vulnerability and my pain, only to then re-create those traumatic events and make all my fears come true in one shot. It was unimaginably, psychotically, painful. All the hopes and dreams and promises I thought were real were actually… well, I’m not quite sure what they actually were. But I do know they were suddenly up in flames. I was at the lowest low I’d ever been in my entire life.

I’ll write about my total mental breakdown, full body 10/10 pain, endless sobbing, and the many hours staring at my new empty apartment in paralyzing grief (because, you know, we were supposed to decorate and paint it and stay in it together) another time. I think this is enough context to let you know how things were going when dear Andrzej – who has so generously and kindly checked in frequently, written beautiful messages, and shared unending support – called to explain the emotional arc and themes of his new music. I agreed months earlier to create a music video for him, not realizing just how relevant his creation would be when it came time for me to start working.

“Separated” contains themes of grief, darkness, pain, loss, ego/identity death… And from there, a chance to start anew. The title of the song, the text within it, and its motifs viscerally resonated with me.

How fitting that this opportunity to collaborate arrived right at this very time in my life. And, how miraculous that in my flayed open state, I felt incredibly creative. I was eager and ready to bare all.

In the early weeks of working on this project, I often filmed in the very late hours of the evening, or you could also call it morning. Whenever my mind felt like it couldn’t stop from spiralling, I would set up gentle lighting, get my phone on a tripod, and let myself move. My heart and soul felt extremely tender and fragile, and quite honestly so did my body, as I had been barely able to eat and sleep… and so I let my movement be as such; I didn’t want to push too hard or “put on” a way of moving or being. Sometimes, part of my filming sessions would simply be talking to the camera as if I was talking to D, and I’d let my guts spill out. Crying, begging, raging, breathing. This footage in particular is left silent deliberately… as I am cut out from his life, my words have no longer have weight or sound.

For a long time, I have been very fascinated by creating durational movement, and then speeding up the footage in editing. I’m careful to not move in actual “slow mo” and then speed up the footage; rather, I take a generous amount of time to move from one place or idea to another, allow small details to take up a lot of focus and space, and explore tensions and oddities, as they often become exaggerated when sped up. Creating this music video was another great opportunity for me to examine this visual theme in my work.

Sex/sensuality, intimacy, and eroticism have always been prevalent in my movement explorations. To me it is a celebration of the body and all of its senses (even more than the standard 5), a validation of my sexuality and desires, an exploration of fetish and non-conventional pleasures, and most of all: a love of pleasure itself. Pleasure is not always exactly sexual of course. Pleasure is a delicious meal, warm bedding from the dryer, a hot bath, fresh forest air, swimming in the ocean, laughing with loved ones… and through each, our body releases that same familiar sound, ahhhhhh, as our eyes close to allow ourselves to focus and surrender to the sensation… it all certainly exists on the same spectrum as sex. So, I find sexuality and pleasure in much of life. In this creation, and in my others too, even the deepest despairs of grief seem to be expressed with that same energy. Or, perhaps it is a yearning, a longing for a time where there was ease, love, and presence rather than absence. I recall something Nova Bhattacharya, Artistic Director of Nova Dance, often says: “Pain and pleasure in equal measure.”

As Spring gave way to warmer temperatures, I was able to film outside. I think this season change and ability to create outdoors aligned with my transforming grief… I was slowly but surely re-entering the world with more spirit and strength; I was remembering that there was a light inside of me still, despite everything. It was really important for me to incorporate water into this work, not just because of the sound of waves in the track, but because I’ve always felt a deep connection to water and its ability to cleanse, heal, sustain, and hold memories.

My filming day where I submerged into Lake Ontario was a bit spontaneously done. I walked to Sunnyside beach, filmed near the water for a while, then found a lovely spot in the sand where I wanted to lie down and let the calm waves wash into my upper body, head and face. I realized after setting up my camera that I did not pack a towel or change of clothes… not ideal, but I wasn’t going to turn back. I took off my shoes and top, and let myself rest in the water. It was very chilly indeed, and just as I figured it would be, it was also incredibly healing. It felt like a mini-rebirth, as though I was washing away some of the grief and pain I had been struggling to carry for the last couple of months. I walked home in my wet clothes and messy hair, freezing and happy.

Andrzej, I can’t thank you enough for the kindness you have shown me throughout the last little while. Your daily messages of encouragement, love, and support helped me get through each day. Your openness to my ideas and deep respect for my creativity has truly touched my heart. I hope we are able to continue this connection, artistically and personally. It has been an honour to create with your music. Thank you thank you thank you!

And, thank you to the bodies of water that have held so many memories for me, and that I shared glimpses of in this project…

lake ontario, ON
eastern ravine in high park, ON
lake scugog, ON
lake michigan, WI
milwaukee river/riverwalk, WI